Slowly Disappearing

I think my appetite has left me again. This pleases me no end.

There have been so many things I’ve wanted to say recently to the people I love, but I can’t because I know it will hurt them.

So I’m just keeping it all inside.

I wake up every morning wondering how I’m going to cope for another day. The tears remain perched behind my eyes, ready to fall at the slightest touch, or familiar voice.

The thought of “I wish I was dead” looms at the forefront of my mind frequently. I just want to sleep. Want this sadness to be over.

But it won’t. So I’m going to make my outside match up to my insides. 60lbs should do it…

This never goes away. Trust me.

I was terrified of people, of being disappointed; on a deeper level, I was terrified of appetites in general — emotional and sexual, as well as physical. So I resolved to suppress them instead, squelch them, will them away. If you don’t have any needs, they can’t go unmet.

— Caroline Knapp (via skirtingtheline)

(Source: iwillbefree-iwillbeme, via under--the--willow)

I’m scared

Scared that I won’t be able to lose the weight again. Scared that I’ll lose the weight again and not want to stop. Scared that my hair will fall out and my heart will hurt again. Scared that I’ll never eat normally, that I’ll be forever living on 500 calories or less. Scared that I’ll go mad and binge and put all the weight on again.

Scared of failing.

I’m petrified and I can’t live like this.

I’m scared to speak.

Jump.

There were things I wanted to tell him. But I knew they would hurt him. So I buried them, and let them hurt me.

—

Pro-Ana Nation

The forums are back up and running at PAN. You may register but your account will not be activated until you receive and respond to an email from the admins. This forum is not for tips and tricks. It is solely for support for those who understand they have a mental illness, yet have chosen not to seek recovery at this current moment in time. This is not a lifestyle. You must be 18 to join.

Noon.